I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
