We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I supernannyed him into submission
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