Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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