god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
