I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
