I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
