i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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