DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
As shirtless as possible
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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