I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
