i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
