My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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