Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize