hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
