I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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