Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
