I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
