I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
