My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
