So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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