I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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