The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
