the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
