All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
