just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
