I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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