apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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