my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
