matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
