I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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