My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
