i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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