I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
