The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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