I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
