he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
