so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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