My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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