i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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