I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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