I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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