dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
