she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
