I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
