Got a toothbrush?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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