when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
