hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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