I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
