Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
