tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Mom said you looked used
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
