you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
