He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
