dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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