i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
