Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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