May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
