Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
