SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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