you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
