Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
