bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
