Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
