I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
