I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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