It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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